How to Get along with your Criminal Defense Attorney

Throughout my time in the field, I've worked with over 5,000 clients. Some of them have been good, some of them have been bad, and some of them have been absolutely awful. Therefore, I have recently been inspired to put together a guide for how to be a great client for your criminal defense attorney. 

***Disclaimer: I am not an attorney. This article is for entertainment purposes only and no part of it should be construed as legal advice. ***

"Help me help you."
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1. Be Specific when you Call. When you contact your attorney's office, it is important to be specific about why you are calling. Leaving a voice mail that says "Hi, this is _____. I need to talk to you about a situation I have," won't get you high on the priority list for a callback. Here's the deal: Criminal defense attorneys are spread extremely thin. Due to the long hours spent in court on a daily basis, a typical criminal defense attorney only spends a couple of hours per day in the office. That's only 1-2 hours to meet with any and all prospective/current clients, return phone calls, and do office work. That's not a lot of time, so every minute counts. If you are vague about why you're calling, then we don't know if calling you back may actually lead to income, or just waste our valuable time. For future references, here is an example of a perfect client voice mail : "Hi, my name is ____. I have been charged with ____. My court date is ____. I would like to be quoted a fee to handle this charge. Please call me back to discuss at _____." (say the number clearly.)

"Why sure, I'd love to talk to you for thirty minutes about your cousin's friend's child custody case in another state that I'm not licensed in."
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2. Show up for your Appointments. I have just addressed how little time criminal defense attorneys get in the office. Therefore, if you schedule an appointment, for God's sake, show up, and show up on time. Nothing says that you aren't serious about your case (or actually paying us) like skipping out on your appointment or showing up half an hour late. Also, please do not show up drunk or high for your consultation. Being under the influence during your consult greatly decreases the likelihood of any meaningful conversation regarding your defense.

"Paying your  initial retainer in $5 and $10 bills thickly coated in weed smell really shows  me how serious you are about getting your life back together."
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3. Be Honest. When your attorney asks you questions, be honest. True story: Once in an appointment, a client charged with cocaine trafficking gave the following version of events: He was minding his own business pumping gas into his car at a gas station, when a mysterious unidentified black man jumped out from behind the bushes and gingerly tossed a neatly packaged 1 kg bag of cocaine right through his open window, where it landed on the passenger seat and then disappeared. Claiming that he did not know what the substance was, the client nonetheless proceeded to drive to another county with the cocaine still in the passenger seat, where it was later observed there by law enforcement during a routine traffic stop. The attorney's priceless response: "Do you honestly expect anyone to believe that?" Not only is lying about the facts of your case disrespectful to your attorney, it will make you and your attorney look like asses in court, and might even land you in prison. Answer your attorney's questions honestly. Trust me, we've seen it all, and we don't care what you did. Also, keep in mind that we are going to pull your driving record when you consider lying about how many tickets you've had or why your license is revoked.

"So what you're saying is, the cocaine and the 9mm actually belonged to your 6-year old daughter."
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4. Pay your Attorney. I bet you thought this was a given, right? Guess again. I would estimate that on average, criminal attorneys end up getting paid about 60% of the fees they are owed, if they are lucky. That's pretty terrible. If you can't pay your attorney, then you can't afford a private attorney. I understand money is tight, but everyone is trying to make a living. Your attorney has to pay massive student loans and rent for his tiny apartment that in all reality probably sucks even worse than yours. When you don't pay your attorney fee, you unfairly put your attorney in the position of having to be the jerk. Making payments is fine. We understand that sometimes the full fee is a lot to pay at once, but be consistent about it. A good rule of thumb for a misdemeanor charge is at least a $100 payment for every court date, and for felonies $250 per court date until the full fee is paid.  

"You mean to tell me that I just handled your drug-trafficking case for $200?"
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5. Show up for Court.  If your attorney tells you that you need to be in court, that probably means that you are charged with something that carries jail time as a possible punishment. Therefore, coming to court needs to be your top priority. Arrange transportation in a vehicle that actually runs ahead of time. Set an alarm so you can wake up on time. Tell your job in advance. When you can't manage to behave like a responsible adult, we then have to act like Jabronis explaining to the D.A. and the judge why you aren't there. Your FREEDOM should be the most important thing to you. It's awfully hard to be gainfully employed from jail, which is where you will most likely end up if you miss court. For a variety of other reasons, it's a lot easier for your attorney to manipulate your case in your favor if you're there. So show up on time, answer calendar call, and act like you give a damn.

"Madam D.A., my client, in his responsible and admirable effort to abide by the laws of this great state, is unfortunately delayed from arriving to court this morning until his blood alcohol level has lowered to a percentage within the legal driving limit."
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6. Listen to Your Attorney. You're paying good money for legal advice, so for heaven's sake, take it! If your attorney tells you you need to do 50 hours of community service to get your charge dismissed, don't call your attorney the day before court to tell him that you haven't even started despite the fact that you've had six months.  If he tells you that getting a substance abuse assessment will help get you a lighter sentence on your DWI, don't wait until the morning of your plea to do that. If he tells you not to contact the victim in your 50B* case, don't make threatening phone calls to her from jail because THEY ARE RECORDED. And for God's sake, if your attorney tells you to sit tight in your court room for a few minutes, don't "help" by taking a defendant's motion for a new court date!

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*In North Carolina, a "50B violation" refers to a failure to abide by a domestic violence restraining order.

7. Refer People. Lastly, if you're happy with your representation, by all means, tell all of your friends. Attorneys love good sources of paying clients. We are known to routinely zero out balances owed by clients who refer us a lot of (paying) business, and we also give them the friends and family discount for any future charges. One of the hardest things for attorneys these days is getting clients in the door. If you know a lot of people who routinely get in trouble with the law but have steady cash flow, you are worth your weight in gold to us and we appreciate you.

"Good luck with your probation. Remember, my fee for probation violations is $500, so go ahead and start getting that together. I'll see you in a few months."
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2 comments

  1. You hit the nail right on the head. I realize these lawyers have a full plate, so doing everything to stay in line and not rock the boat is only going to help your case. If you get on their bad side, they have plenty of other cases to keep them busy. I learned this the hard way trying to play tough with mine.

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  2. You have given excellent advice and I do not disagree with any of it. Being charged with a crime is serious and can have serious consequences and should be treated as such. It baffles me how people can have such lax attitudes about it and blow it off. I suppose they deserve the consequences, then.

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