12 People You Meet in Every Law School Class

The following is a list of certain people who can be found in every law school class. I don't know where you go to law school, but if you do, or ever have, I guarantee that you know or knew these people. You might even be one of these people. If you are planning to go to law school, you'd best get ready for these people.

Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of Stone Style or its affiliates. If you are offended by this article, then there is a 83% chance that you are overly sensitive.

Attribution: Due to the screaming popularity of the last piece, this is also a co-authored piece with classmate Chad Boykin, a.k.a. "The Ringmaster". My words appear in plain text and his additions appear in bold. 
1. The Legacy: he will likely say that he majored in "pre-law" at some top tier university. His daddy, uncle, brother and granddaddy are all attorneys in the same big firm that caters to mostly rich clients He's known he was going to be a lawyer since he was en esse. (en utero) He'll make average grades and graduate without any student loans at all, and will slide into place as a partner at daddy's firm where he will make tons of money for the rest of his life. You will never be this guy, unless you already are this guy. But envy him not, for his other siblings are astrophysicists and brain surgeons and their success and the parental adulation they receive for it will eat away at him inside like an ulcer of the soul. 

2. The Philanthropist: this person will typically be really smart, nice, and hardworking. They will put other's interests above their own, do lots of soul enriching non-profit work and their community will be far better off because of them. They also will languish in poverty and make far less than the cashier at Costco. They are exactly who they claimed to be on their personal statement. The world needs more people like this, but the world also eats people like this alive, leaving behind only their organic vegan hemp sneakers to identify them. 

3. The Thrill-seeker: this person is in law school for the fun of it. They don't have any intention of practicing or sitting for the bar. They are purely there for the enriching and character-building experience. I seriously once heard a fellow classmate say that he was in law school " to fill his time."  I do not get this person. Whenever I am bored, I turn on Netflix. This person reads about rocket science, learns to play the violin, and speak Mandarin. Don't they know how awesome reruns of 'Saved by the Bell' are? That AC Slater remains a carved god-man forever on my Kindle screen. Who needs real experiences, anyway?

4. The All-knowing: so it's a well known fact that all law students are know-it-alls but this person really takes the cake (and can tell you all the ingredients and probably baked the damn thing blindfolded). This is the person who takes out a loan of a hundred thousand dollars in order to take a law class and proceeds to tell the professor what's what. While you may, at first glance, figure that those who know are those you should seek answers from, they are not. Why? Like Shakespeare's Macbeth or a bad trip to the toilet, this person is "full of sound and fury, [but] signifying nothing".  

5. Bionic Student: this is the person everyone wants to be but is suspicious of whether or not they are actually human. They seem to defy the laws of science that limit what a real person can actually do. They will have full and productive lives in addition to law school (where they will be ranked among the top 5 students), including but not limited to: an impressive career, regular volunteer work, constant production and distribution of delicious foods, writing for the law journal, feeding the homeless, sheltering stray animals, tutoring other students, working in the legal clinic, volunteering for the peace corps and producing viable offspring. Furthermore, they will be in a happy, friendly mood every single day.They will make you feel like a sad excuse for a person. Chances are it's precisely because you are a sad excuse for a person. 

6. The Slacker: they never take any notes, never read, and always miss the maximum allowed amount of classes. Sometimes they come to class three sheets to the wind. Despite that, this person will still get decent grades and be one of the most likable people in the class since the competitive streak that breeds all that animosity and mental illness isn't really there. They also tend to have the happiest lives out of anyone else in law school. At the end of the day, they will get the one thing everyone really wants anyway: A government "attorney job" where they will be paid a salary of $80,000/year plus full benefits where they get to play on the internet all day. And they will never, ever have to worry about being fired. 

7. The Secret Slacker: there are actually at least several of these in every law school class. These are the ones that put up a serious front, pretending to be dedicated students. However, if you happen to sneak a peak at their computer screens during class, you will likely see at least 3 of the following programs running at any given time: Facebook, Candy Crush ESPN live, eBay, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, or Kindle. They will often sit as close to the back of the class as possible to keep their dirty little secret. These people are not to be trusted to give reliable information regarding course material. 

8. The Martyr: this person is one that you just can't help but love. They read and brief every single case, never miss class, participate actively, take detailed notes, quote from the textbook, and study extensively for exams. The professors love them, too. But for some reason they have been destined by the fates to never make above a B-. My heart truly goes out to this person. My grades aren't the greatest, but as a secret slacker I reap what I sow. 

9. The Martyr Version 2.0: This is the person who makes the same sacrifices you do, the same sacrifices most everyone else in the program is making. Struggling with health issues, family issues, work issues, childcare issues, mortgage issues, financial issues, tax issues, academic issues, aging issues, weight gain, skin pastiness, gastrointestinal irregularities, male pattern baldness, and every other issue you can think of. But while they struggle just like you do, their struggle is harder, longer, more profound and more difficult. The cross of iron from which they hang is covered with lights, illuminating for all to see the arduous and incredible suffering they overcome on a daily basis. This person missed their calling by throwing their hat in ring of the legal field, for the theater was what nature intended for them. They don't need encouragement, they need a Greek chorus. 


10. The Wordsmith and His Sons: This could have just been 'the wordsmith' but I wanted to reference the excellent Astronautalis song. A song that unquestionably you pathetic, prattling,  plebeians are painfully unaware of, swimming as you are in the tepid, filthy musical bath waters of Iggy Azalea, Maroon 5, and Eminem. See how I made an obscure reference and then when you inevitably didn't know what I was talking about I proceeded to emotionally bludgeon you with a brackish barrage of superfluously loquacious prolix for it? Put another way my lucidity is surpassed only by my remarkable command and penchant for sesquipedalian gibberish. This double whammy is the person who looks down on everything popular and who uses a big fancy word when a diminutive perspicuous word would do. I have a lot of sympathy for this fellow, for why be a jejune jerkoff when you can be a proper aristocrat of crookery??  If you can read this entire paragraph without consulting a dictionary, I hate to tell you, but you are this person.

11. The Warrior: You need at least one of these in every class. Having a couple doesn't hurt in case one is out sick. It's that person who isn't afraid of the professor in the least and will call them out when they are being ridiculous or unfair on behalf of the class. Sometimes Most of the time, they will just piss the professor off  (and they won't care or feel embarrassed about it in the least) but sometimes, just sometimes, they will actually win and you will benefit from their advocacy. And you didn't even have to embarrass yourself or risk pooping in your pants in front of the class. 

12. The "Science Major": This guy went to MIT or some equivalent and double majored in Rocket Science and Mechanical things and minored in mathing. He's the only one whose outlines will include graphs. He will try to apply the theory of relativity and the Peter Principle to every law school concept. Often he will be heard using advanced science terms in class that the professor won't even understand (because everyone knows lawyers don't know how to math), and you will think to yourself, "why couldn't this brainiac just use a normal word?" and guess what? He can't. Because that word he used is the only word that can be used to describe his question, a question which, like that word, can only be understood by him and him alone. So basically it's a wash anyway.

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1 comment

  1. I tried to read this entire piece, however I only reached number 8. I was prevented from reading further due to a sudden flare up of weight gain, skin pastiness, gastrointestinal irregularities, male pattern baldness and worst of all, profound acute gimmick infringement.